CLASSIFICATIONS

221. WEIRD AL’S HIPSTER COUSIN

Strange Paul is Weird Al’s lesser known, less talented cousin.  While Paul’s weirder cousin spent his youth writing song parodies to entertain the 12-year-old boy in all of us, Paul has chosen to drink away his salad days in a filthy American Apparel hoodie.  True, Weird Al has enjoyed fame, fortune, and pseudo-street cred.  But only Strange Paul can claim to have given chlamydia to four, possibly five whorepsters.  In your face, Weird Al!


PRETENSION: 7, He’s the entourage of a family-friendly entertainer

IRONY: 9, Doesn’t realize girls aren’t impressed with Weird Al’s musical talent

OCCUPATION: Impersonates his cousin at Bar Mitzahs

222. SATAN’S HIPSTER ASSISTANT

Rowan was just another aging hipster trying to figure out what will define him as he pushes 40.  He tried bar-tending, yoga, knitting all to no avail.  But that’s before he swallowed his pride and took an assistant job to the king of hipster sloth...Satan.  Rowan signed his soul away in blood and now recruits hipsters to join the demon army.  Sure he has to pick up Satan’s dry cleaning at the local volcano laundromat.  But have you seen Rowan’s red rubber pants?


PRETENSION: 6, Works for the most famous evil celebrity around.

IRONY: 8, Has a special place reserved in hell for him, just not by his boss’ side.

OCCUPATION: Makes $12-an-hour in Hell’s currency.

223. WIND-UP FLOWER POWER HIPSTER

He’s like a toy robot: a few key twists  (or key bumps) and off he goes.  Dancing, clapping, grinding and krunking.  This bohemian will get his hippie hipster ho down if he has to burst right out of his prized purple pantalones. 

PRETENSION: 4, Relatively humble since he’s a reformed hippie

IRONY: 7, His dad is a major donor to the Republican Party

OCCUPATION: GoGo dancer at the Playgirl Club

Shakedown street better him roar.  The only thing you’ll see before it’s too late is streaks of red, black & white.  Coincidence those are the official color palette of Hipster Hunter?  Like George W Bushwhack says, “History will decide.”  History will also decide whether this guy will haunt your dreams or eat your soul.

PRETENSION: 9, So impressed with himself it’s scary

IRONY: 8, Oblivious that he’s a mere mortal

OCCUPATION: Satan’s boy toy

224. NIGHTMARE COMIC-COUTURE HIPSTER

This New Orleans hipster is the Newport Cigarette Company’s bitch.  He’s smoked away most of his twenties to get enough Newport pack points to get himself the hat and suspenders with the company logo.  But who are we to judge manipulative marketing?  Homeboy’s already picked out his coffin, painted yellow and green courtesy of the company that brought you menthol-flavored cancer.


PRETENSION: 5, Knows cigarettes are bad for you, but smokes just because

IRONY: 4, Body will decompose, the plastic mesh Newport hat will not

OCCUPATION: $$ from class action lawsuit from menthol crystalizing lungs

225. NEWPORT T-SHIRT SUSPENDSTER

Sorry to disappoint you hard rocksters, but this ain’t Angus from AC/DC, no matter how much he wishes he was.  The closest he gets to being an Australian national treasure is playing bass in a band called Angus Kahn.  They do play loud like AC/DC, just not well.  But if there’s ever an AC/DC biopic, at least there’s  a stunt double.

PRETENSION: 8, He’s a rocker, can’t you tell?

IRONY: 5, He’s wearing the same synthpop outfit from his 80’s-era high school.

OCCUPATION: Plays bass for tips where his Step-dad can book gigs

226. AC/D-STER

227. SLUMPSTER

Labor Day weekend is upon the American masses and parties rule the day.  Just ask Jimbo over there. He’ll vouch for the epic American party scene...as soon as he wakes up.  Hey, Jimbo!  Are you still breathing?  Stay out of the light, good buddy.  While we wait for Jimbo to rise, here are some classic “Can anything wakes this guy up?” pics.

PRETENSION: 0, He’s rarely awake to be a douche

IRONY: 7, When he is awake, he’s a raging cock-smoker

OCCUPATION: Slept late through his last five job interviews

228. DTR* ON THE MTA-STERS

Ah, yes.  Everyone adores the trashy couple bickering about their broken relationship on public transportation.  These hipsters are daft to the fact that they’re spouting off wildly inappropriate details of their sex life to the elderly man across the train car with love for Jesus in his weak heart.  But they always seem to make up by their stop.

*DTR = Discuss the Relationship

PRETENSION: 7, Aloof to all those traveling on the subway with him

IRONY: 6, The MTA passes will get confiscated if police get involved again

OCCUPATION: Saving money on public transit for bikes to be couriers

229. WALL HUMPSTER

We can all admit to having relations that we don’t dare admit to our friends.  But this special breed of Lower East Side hipster proudly declares his love for the object of his affection...a grafitti-scarred metal gate.  The inanimate job does its job protecting a news stand from the creatures of the night like this jackass.  But the owner of said kiosk still has to clean off the mysterious fluids left over from Romeo’s nightly serenades.


PRETENSION: 5, Doesn’t need a real girl when he’s got Gratey.

IRONY: 7, Gratey is responsible for his recent public circumcision.

OCCUPATION: Seducer of metals, lover of padlocks

230. HIPSTER MUSTACHE ENVY

Facial hair = status in the hipster community.  Those hipsters blessed with the ability to grow fur off their lip enjoy the spoils like eager whorepsters, being aerodynamic and leftover caches of blow.  The poor baby faced saps may age better, expel less noxious body odor, and don’t frighten children.  But mustached sex machines they are not. 


PRETENSION: 2, Poor kid is pretty insecure about slowing growing follicles

IRONY: 7, Doesn’t appreciate the fact he doesn’t have to shave twice a day

OCCUPATION: Works in barber shop sweeping up hair for his own jury-rigged mustache