While this subject is not a classical hipster, he is deliberately provocative and ready to rumble.  Can you guess who he’s voting for?  To all US Hipster Hunter patrons, do not allow the malaise of hipsteritus to infect you today.  Regardless of who you vote for, get off your ass.  If you must, skip the Starbucks for once, kick that whorepster out of bed, pull on your favorite skinny jeans.  See you in the voting booth!

PRETENSION: 8, But you can forgive him today because he’s doing his civic duty

IRONY: 6, No matter what he tells you, he actually bought the shirt at Urban Outfitters

OCCUPATION: American Dream


Romeo and Julio are star-crossed lovers reminiscent of a nobler, more violent era.  Unlike their Renaissance “kill yourself for love” ancestors, they prefer killing themselves via mesh shirts, binge drinking and unprotected sodomy. Romeo gets jealous and prone to violent outbursts; Julio is a space cadet who will do ANYTHING for a compliment.  Herein lies the problem, and the tragedy.  Things can only end in the classical Shakespearian style, with (underage) sex, drugs (poison), and rock&roll (pan flutes).

PRETENSION: n/a, Love blinds you to your douche-ocity

IRONY: 8, Their violent love affair annoys everyone else

OCCUPATION: Part-time pornstars; full-time fluffers


Despite their bold proclamations to the contrary, hipsters do in fact watch TV.  And CW is the hands down winner with it’s sarcastic programming and underdog appeal.  Attention advertisers: you too can reach this unimpressed target demographic of urban-dwelling 18-35 ingrates with the likes of Gossip Girl and the New 90210.  They won’t admit it to Neilsen ratings, but behind the locked door of downtown art lofts are eyeballs are glued to the boob tube.

PRETENSION: 8.5, Just like Blair in Gossip Girl

IRONY: 9, They need glasses now

OCCUPATION: Watch TV for $$


Is someone you love teetering on the edge of hipster oblivion?  There is still hope, but (as a court-ordered disclaimer demands) the road will be long and painful.  Your best hope lies in preventative measures.  Catch hipsteritus in its infancy and your loved one will have a greater chance of salvation.  Below is a subject on the brink who could be saved, but the tell tale signs reveal a man who may already be too far gone. Good luck.

PRETENSION: 5, But his ego grows as his jeans tighten

IRONY: 6, Thinks people still want to hear imitation Elliot Smith jams

OCCUPATION: Monthly stipend from the parental units


Every hipster thinks life is a fashion show.  Most think they are walking the runway for some ahead-of-his-time avant garde designer.  The fact they they are merely going down to the store for more malt liquor escapes them.  So when duty calls to leave their artist loft for the first time today at 3pm, you best believe they’ll be precise in adjusting their alternative haircuts.  You never know when they might have to throw down for most ironic hairdo. 

PRETENSION: varies, the more gel or mouse, the more pretentious

IRONY: 9, They’ll have to explain the pics to their illegitimate children

OCCUPATION: Spend too much time in front of mirror to work


For some reason, every whorepster thinks wearing a headband like an 80’s aerobic instructor makes her totally original.  Perhaps they would be right if you didn’t see 500 carbon copies in a 1/2 mile radius.  Perhaps they are channeling She-Ra eager to become the urban Princess of Power.  But only one of them can be the true whorepster warrior; a battle of ironic proportions in imminent.

PRETENSION: 8, They bought their headbands at the French Boutique Target (tahr-jey)

IRONY: 7, The headbands are tight so they squeeze out rational thought

OCCUPATION: Aerobic instructors trainees


The Earth will never be the same after the hippest Martian arrived in a hybrid space shuttle.  He came to the Earth to review quality of our thrift stores and indie-rock bands.  We failed, but he was able to replenish the resources his people rely on to live.  Lucky for Mars, Earth has plenty of cheap beer and cigarettes that he was able to load into his intergalactic hoopty.  More importantly, this Martian hipster taught us that we earthlings are way too mainstream.  Now we have benchmark to meet and NASA is working around the clock to achieve it.

PRETENSION: 10,000 light years worth

IRONY: 8, Those silver tights are made of mercury and will make anyone who touches them ill and possibly gay

OCCUPATION: Investigative reporter on Mars


Timmy knows he’s one sexy mother fucking hipster.  Men, women and even guide dogs drool over him when he shows up at a warehouse parties half-naked.  But his Adonis good looks are in fact a curse because even his precious shadow has made a pass at him.  Pleasant as it might sound, fucking yourself can be painful.  Just ask Timmy who took himself out for dinner, slipped himself a Mickey and woke up walking bow-legged.  His shadow got lucky; Timmy needed penicillin.

PRETENSION: 6, He feels his looks give him a license to be a douche

IRONY: 7, Being this gorgeous comes at a price...oww!

OCCUPATION: Cage dancer at the Manhole


Ruthie and Johnno drove their respective parents crazy as teens sleeping in  every weekend ‘til 2pm.  Now adults, these slumbering lovers do what they do best, pass out anytime anywhere: on the bus, in a Waffle House bathroom, even a piss-soaked alley.  Tomorrow’s

sleepy-time leaders, we salute you!

PRETENSION: 8, Too cool to stay awake when others talk to them

IRONY: 6, Johnno’s developed bed sores from sleeping his life away

OCCUPATION: Can’t hold job because they sleep through their alarms


Fruit is natures candy, yet it is filled with nutrients to keep the body in tip top condition.  Or so says the Chiquita Banana hipster who serenades girls on the street and convinces them to eat fruit.  This girl (left) will go straight from the street festival to her nearest supermarket to load up on some much needed potassium and Vitamin C. If the hipster in the headdress has done his job, she will forgo organic farmers market fruit and go straight for the corporate made variety grown using near slave-like labor in South America.  God bless NAFTA!

PRETENSION: 7, Gets a salary to act like a buffoon in public

IRONY: 4, Would dress like this even if a paycheck was not involved

OCCUPATION: Chiquita spokesman