CLASSIFICATIONS

161. HIPSTER INSECURITY

PRETENSION: 2, Low Self esteem


IRONY: 8, Paid $200 each for outfits


OCCUPATION: Too neurotic to work

162. MEMORIAL DAY HIPSTER

Using the most advanced techniques, the Hipster Hunter imaging department created this image showing what Heath Ledger would look like 10 years from now alive and still a hipster.  The red tint is actually the glow from the fires of Hell.  Heath, wherever you are buddy, we’ll never forget our favorite gay hipster cowboy. 



PRETENSION: 1000 degrees down there

IRONY: 0, Death ain’t funny, unless it involves an Olsen Twin

OCCUPATION: Ghost of movies past

163. BURNING MANTASTIC HIPSTERS

It’s official.  8 out of 10 hipsters feel the Burning Man Road Warrior look has reached kitschy cool.  Now you don’t have to feel shy about wearing your favorite bullet bandolier, skull buckle or matching striped skinny ties.


PRETENSION: 600 miles from the Playa

IRONY: 10, They seek attention and usually get it

OCCUPATION: No time for work, must prep for Burning Man

164. HIPSTERLYMPIAN DREAM TEAM

Each one of these guys has pushed it to the limit.  Local kickball champs,

All-American beer pongers, daydream believers.  They train all year round on a strict alcohol and narcotics diet.


PRETENSION: 10, multiplied by 7 = 70

IRONY: 8, Performance debilitating drugs will catch up w/ them

OCCUPATION: Hipsterlympic hopefuls

165. R.I.P. KRISTI P: CASUALTY OF HIPSTERITUS

Guest post from the Grape Duchess Hunter in the NYC:


Meet Kristi P. She's a wannabe Lindsay Lohan who is desperate for attention. She skips all of her classes to hang out in the courtyard so that she can be seen by everyone that goes through. She is actually dropping out of school because she thinks that it's not for her when in reality, she didn't go to classes (see reason above). You may have seen her at Coachella since her parents fly her anywhere she wants to go. K.P. surrounds herself with interesting people because she's so bland herself. She aspires to live in Williamsburg and smoke. Her clothes are either too tight or see through. My gag reflex is tested every time I walk through the courtyard.

PRETENSION: 18 & Life

IRONY: 0, Cut class day irony was defined

OCCUPATION: Daddy’s little whorepster

166. NEWLY WEDSTERS

PRETENSION: 9.5, They’re SO much more mature now

IRONY: 7, None of their family was at the wedding

OCCUPATION: Starbucks 401K represent!

According to hard scientific fact, hipster marriage is on the rise: Booze-soaked nights in Vegas; Old-fashioned shotgun weddings; Attempts to piss parents off. Soon they’ll be procreating on a whim.  May your respective deity have mercy on our collective souls.

167. OPPOSING COMB-OVER HIPSTERS

These dudes are total strangers, yet they are practically mirror images.  It’s like they pre-planned their identical comb-over/rattail looks:  “Okay, Simon.  My bangs point East, so yours should point West. Got it? Being so unique is hard god damn work.  Pass me a beer, will ya?”


PRETENSION: 7, Hair this gorgeous is no accident

IRONY: 6, They actually think they are unique snowflakes

OCCUPATION: Hair product models

168. HIPSTER RECRUITMENT

Ever wonder why hipster ranks keep growing exponentially?  Hipsters recruit much like Scientologists, preying on the weak-willed seeking easy answers.  Having trouble meeting girls?  Go hipster.  Working too hard towards your career goals?  Go hipster. Your nutsack too comfortable? Go hipster.  Let’s hope poor Wayne here realizes the repercussions before he buys their bill of herpes-tainted goods.


PRETENSION: 10 million strong and growing

IRONY: 8, Actually a pyramid scheme

OCCUPATION: Recruit on beer commission

169. HIPSTER ANNOYANCE

The last thing any male hipster wants to do is discuss the relationship with his girlfriend.  But make him DTR during an indie-rock show and you’ve got an annoyed dude in tight pantalones.  A friendly reminder to all whorepsters or normal girls dating hipster doofuses to get back at daddy for not throwing her a Sweet 16: keep your trap shut when he’s rocking out!  You will have plenty of opportunities to criticize his life direction, fashion sense, and hygiene.


PRETENSION: 4, Her nagging has whittled down his ego

IRONY: 7, Without her, he wouldn’t have a place to live

OCCUPATION: Lives off girlfriend’s trust fund

170. GROW YOUR OWN HIPSTER

Recent advances in sociology and genetics make it possible for the average consumer to grow and maintain a hipster for the home.  These homegrown hipsters make great pets for children and are a perfect gag item for your office Secret Santa exchange. Much like a helper monkey, there are inherent risks such as your liquor cabinet being raided, your daughter’s jeans being “borrowed”, or your way of life being ridiculed.  Just add cheap beer and vain compliments.

PRETENSION: Varies, depends on how much ego powder (cocaine) you add

IRONY: 8, They never realize they are merely copies of original hipster

OCCUPATION: Distant genetic cousin of Chia Pet