WARNING: TO ALL SINGLE LADIES AND WEALTHY INDUSTRIALISTS!  The hipster twins in the furniture fabric hoodies are pro kidnappers.  They’ll hit when you least expect it, in public, sometimes even in broad daylight, boxing you in, disorienting you with their deadly dance moves.  Just look at this helpless heiress: dazed, confused, frightened.  She doesn’t stand a chance.  Ransom for her safe release is $135 and a 1/2 a bottle of Jager.

PRETENSION: 3, They’re low key so they can catch rich fools slipping

IRONY: 1, Kidnapping is a serious crime

OCCUPATION: Holding people ransom

Pro Golfers, you’ve been warned!  Tiger Woodster with his turquoise converse, tight-ass acid-washed jeans and bowler hat will dominate the game.  You have to feel sorry for anyone playing against this dynamo in the Masters series.  An American Apparel endorsement deal is surely in the works.

PRETENSION: 8, Rising star in the pro hipster scene                  

IRONY: 7, Watching a hipster out-golfing a pro

OCCUPATION: Pro-golfster


This sex symbol in the argyle sweater and “Stop Making Sense” glasses actually said:

“Yeah man I’ve been walking around all night and sort of getting hit on.  People have been like taking my picture and shit.”

So mankind can rest assured knowing that the hipster generation are mentally equipped to run the world. 

PRETENSION: 10, Did you read what this dude was overheard saying?                  

IRONY: 7, I believe the hipsters are the future

OCCUPATION: Fellow at well-funded hipster think-tank


It was a new and exciting era.  Bellbottoms and disco dancing were the latest rage.  Shades of orange, yellow and brown bitch-slapped the fashion world.  And these groovy cats of the past had not yet polluted the gene pool with empty beer cans.  Their eventual hipster spawn were nothing but a glimmer in their luded-up eyeballs. 

PRETENSION: 5, Average assholes                  

IRONY: 0, It’s a historical fact that everybody dressed like this

OCCUPATION: Worked in a factory, before those jobs were outsourced


There are 3 major steps in primitive hipster courting rituals:

1. Flirtation by strangulation

2. Hoodie up, she’s playing

hard to get

3. Documentation

All necessary 4 whorepster fun.  

PRETENSION: 8, So in love they think they’re better             

IRONY: 7, They both always wear hoodies and sandals

OCCUPATION: Too in love to work


Meet jake, the narcoleptic bike messenger.  wake up, Jake!  Jake?  My apologies, folks.  It seems sleeping beauty over here cannot be bothered to wake up and meet you.  It’s nothing personal...well that’s a lie.  Jake just doesn’t think your worth the bother of opening his eyes.  

PRETENSION: 9, He’s pretty arrogant for someone with narcolepsy

IRONY: 6, Amusing to watch him nod off on the bike in traffic

OCCUPATION: Bike messenger/dreamer


When life gets you down sometimes you just need to grab a guitar, pluck on a standup bass or just clap your hands.  do you hear what I hear?  That’s the sound of freedom echoing through the dingy performance hall.  Don’t be shy about spinning in circles to the groovy jams, bra.

PRETENSION: 2, They’re just a jam band

IRONY: 4, They play anything from Phish to Raffi

OCCUPATION: The house band



It’s official.  The supreme court came back 6-3 in favor of hipsters being legally deemed “asses”.  The United States judicial system has clearly proven itself to be relevant and in touch with the needs of the people. 

Justice Scalia delivered the view of the court:

“This case sets clear precedent that any hipster who enters a court of law shall be labeled an ass based on scope of 28 U.S.C. §2680 Winehouse vs. the Board of Education.”

Dissenting Justice Breyer stated: “The label “ass” has not been clearly defined in a court of law and is therefore unconstitutional.”

PRETENSION: 10, There’s a reason they are asses

IRONY: 8, They fought so hard against the ruling

OCCUPATION: Asses, all of ‘em

The last bastions of bohemians must align themselves with the en vogue hipster scene or face extinction.  Their lives, much like their patchwork clothing, are colorful and textured.  He’s not about ready to ditch his prized coat from Phish tour, but he’ll wear tight burgundy pants to fit in.

PRETENSION: 3, They’re new to the hipster life

IRONY: 5, This lost hippie is lucky to be here

OCCUPATION: Spare change?


Have you hipster boys and girls been good this year? Legend has it that if you sit on big poppa hipster’s lap and you let him cop a feel, he’ll give you the world.  And by world we mean chic-lets and a half-eaten stick of jerky.  But if BPH finds you ugly or prudish then he’ll bounce you from his lap.  You’ll get nothing but the back of his hand across your ass or face, whichever is within reach.

PRETENSION: 8, Knows he’s gorgeous

IRONY: 6, Doesn’t realize being this good looking is a curse

OCCUPATION: grantor of obscure wishes and decadent fantasies