CLASSIFICATIONS

181. HIPSTER MOSH PIT

A truly awesome weekend can be measured by bruised ribs, black eyes and torn Levi’s.  Why waste a night peacefully conversing with interesting new people when you could drunkenly elbow your fellow hipsters in the face?  Poor Roy watched helplessly as his thick-framed nerd glasses were trampled.  Good thing they were non-prescription. 

PRETENSION: 7, It takes gall to head butt a stranger

IRONY: 6, Insurance doesn’t cover acts of stupidity

OCCUPATION: Punching bags for UFC fighters

182. MAKE-BELIEVE HIPSTERS

Mr. Rogers encouraged us as kids to travel to the Land of Make-Believe where we could be anything we want to be.  He never envisioned drunk, coked-up adult hipsters taking him at his word.  Now hiptards treat every day like a masquerade ball, forgoing milk and cookies for beer and empanadas.  Trolly the train was derailed purely for kitsch factor.  Mr. Rogers may have to rise from the grave to kick some make-believe ass.

PRETENSION: 9, Acting like a child lends a certain arrogance

IRONY: 7, Can & will be arrested and charged as an adult

OCCUPATION: Haven’t grown up yet

183. HIPSTER BY ASSOCIATION

Poor society girl Missy

(far left) has been mistaken for a whorepster in this controversial photograph in spite of her Louis Vuitton purse and keen fashion sense. Consequences of keeping unsavory company. Getting busted arrested holding your friends bag of crack is ironic in a bad way.  Let’s hope Missy can convince her rich Republican granddaddy not to write her out his will.

PRETENSION: 8, She’s plenty snobby, but not in a hipster way

IRONY: 9, Went to rehab for pharmaceuticals family made fortune on

OCCUPATION: Heiress

184. HIPSTER LOVE FEST

Hipsters got a whole lot of love to give...as long as you’re part of the Fellowship of the Headband.  This complimentary clique insulates itself from critique. Ugly is beautiful. The fact your shoes match your belt is so 1998.


PRETENSION: 0, Love should never be pretentious

IRONY: 8, But with this crew it is

OCCUPATION: Love pays their bills

185. INDIE-ROCKERS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Angus Khan were jamming in their converted bomb-shelter rehearsal space when the big one went off.  Humanity was instantly wiped off the map.  But on the bright side, the competition is as dead as those “tone-deaf record company douche-bags” who dissed their demo.

PRETENSION: 6, They’re the only rockers still alive

IRONY: 9, They’re audience are nuclear mutants

OCCUPATION: There are no jobs post nukes

186. I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY HIPSTER

Right Said Ted doesn’t need a black mesh muscle shirt to prove he’s sexier than you.  He’s got cutoff jeans, a flannel shirt, and Raybans circa 1982 for that.  Ted’s got more indie-rockified Euro-trash manhood in the half-eaten apple he’s carrying than you have in your whole fruit basket.  What’s that you say?  You got two plums, grapes and a pineapple?  Please!  Probably not even organic.


PRETENSION: 9.8, Sexiness this apparent obviously comes with attitude

IRONY: 7, Doesn’t realize unemployment checks aren’t considered sexy

OCCUPATION: Will converts your jeans into cutoffs for under-the-table tips

187. THE BALLERINA AND THE WHOREPSTER

Much folklore has been written about these traveling minstrels.  As the story goes, whenever modern-day royalty, the

indie-rock-star gets depressed these two magically appear. The ballerina pirouettes and spins on her head while the whorepster chain-smokes, scowls, and eventually gives him head.  The rocker is magically unglumified and the dynamic duo fade once more into fairy tale obscurity.


PRETENSION: 7, They know their healing powers are famous

IRONY: 8, They’re best known throughout the kingdom for their promiscuity

OCCUPATION: Naughty nurses

188. HIPSTER-BOY AND CAVE-GIRL

Mick took on archeology as a lark after the indie record label his parents funded went kaput.  He bought himself a pick axe, compass and night vision goggles and set out to make a name for himself.  Lo and behold, Mick discovered Minka a cave-girl frozen in the catacombs of his favorite dive bar in Denver.  Now Mick is not only more famous than Indiana Jones, but he’s got mad street cred because Minka is his girlfriend.  The best part is she can only communicates through grunts and hunts and gathers all of their food.


PRETENSION: 9, He’s living every archeologists wet dream ever since he thawed her out with a hair dryer

IRONY: 0, No iron, she’s from the bronze age

OCCUPATION: Archeologipster & Cro-Magnon chick

189. COACH HIPSTER

Coach Rodney has it going on with his gym uniform with matching head/wristbands.  Disregard his sizable paunch because he WILL get you in shape.  Rodney ain’t shy about blowing his whistle when you slack off from his strict beer-drinking regimen. Plus his iPhone will time your laps back and forth from the liquor store.  A word to the wise, don’t disappoint him in the kickball invitational or he’ll throw a tantrum.


PRETENSION: 4, Gym teachers don’t make a lot of money

IRONY: 6, Lives vicariously through his students

OCCUPATION: Junior high school gym teacher

190. HAPPY HIPSTER-PENDENCE DAY!

This trio of chieftains from the Williamsburg, Silverlake and Portland Navahipster tribes wish you non-Native-Americans a happy 4th of July.  They want to present you with a bounty of gifts: arsenic-flavored empanadas, stale beer backwash, and hand woven blankets infected with herpes.  It’s their way of saying, “Thanks for stealing our land.  God bless America!”


PRETENSION: 2, Earth spirit commands humility

IRONY: 7, They’re still vengeful with a dash of homicidal

OCCUPATION: Native Hipster-mericans