CLASSIFICATIONS

251. HIPSTER VS. HIPSTER FOR WHOREPSTER

Toby and Danny are the best of friends and fiercest

of rivals. Each fancies himself God’s gift to barfly whorepsters.  Sure Toby’s got the tats, fisherman cap and Sumo Wrestler gait, but Danny’s got the sarcastic charm only a guy trying to dress like a lumberjack could sport.  Which hipster will Tammy bang tonight? Toby? Danny? Neither?  Both?  Only fate and the right amount of jukebox Def Leopard will tell.  My money’s on the bartender with tear drop tattoo.


PRETENSION: 9, Both are cocky and convinced of their own glory

IRONY: 6, They crash and burn 9 out of 10 times, but they never give up!

OCCUPATION: Graphic designers by day, competitors of the night

252. HARD TO IMPRESSTER

David hates his father, which translates into hating everything else.  He’s not even sure why he’s a hipster.  At least he’s getting back at Daddy Wardouche for not buying him a car on his 16th birthday.  He had to wait until he was practically 17!  The best any band can hope for is a smirk.


PRETENSION: 10, meter cracked from intensity

IRONY: 4, His parents cry over his reckless life decisions

OCCUPATION: 3rd year senior

253. HIPSTREET URCHIN

Ben has a bachelor’s degree in drama.  He’s studying for his master’s degree in interpretive dance.  If Ben goes for a doctorate in music therapy then he’ll need to make enough money to pay back the loans.  Ben’s off to a good start with a free hot dog... from the ground.  Score!


PRETENSION: 7, Will always remind you how educated he is

IRONY: 8.5, Doesn’t know his Granny is paying his loans down

OCCUPATION: Artist of the streets, grew up in the suburbs

254.   N.A.H.D.L.A.: NORTH AMERICAN HIPSTER DOG LOVE ASSOCIATION

Members of the controversial group NAHDLA feel they have the right to make love with their furry companions.  Most people feel that their behavior is immoral, cruel and down right nasty.  But hipsters don’t care what the mainstream thinks of their moronic fashion sense. As long as their ironic brethren condone their actions, it’s all good.  After all, dogs are hipster’s best friend!


PRETENSION: 6, Thinks the world of themselves in spite of their bedroom antics

IRONY: 7, Some of these poor dogs learn to like the unusual attention

OCCUPATION: Bestiality lobbyist

255. P.D.A. HIPSTER PARTY

PRETENSION: n/a, Too busy banging to bother

IRONY: 8,

They just met the night this was shot

OCCUPATION: Sexy time, all the time

Some hipster couples just can’t wait to “get a room.”  They don’t care who knows their filthy business because getting off is the primus operandi.  And thank god for that, because these informative sex ed classes that young children witness prep them for a lifetime of promiscuity.  Here’s to the future generation of hipster-spawned nymphos.

256. HIPSTER GRADUATES

PRETENSION: 8, The world is their oyster shot

IRONY: 5, The oyster happens to be rancid

OCCUPATION: Anything they god damn feel like!

You can almost hear the familiar tune of “Pomp and Circumstance” as the hipsters fill the auditorium.  Their parents look upon their misguided, irony-obsessed offspring and wonder where things went wrong.  But worry not because the faces in this crowd will be running the world soon enough.  Brace your self for the commencement speech being given by Pete Dougherty on the societal benefits of heroin addiction.

257. MUSTACHE WARRIOR HIPSTER

Once upon a time, Sir Curly Q kept his hipster kingdom of Ironyville safe.  Fearsome mythical beasts with their villainous hearts set on ravaging the town famed for its coffee shops, pretentious delis and microbreweries.  Luckily, Sir Curly Q kept his hometown safe with his cache of weapons that he attaches to his enchanted mustache.  The likes of the four-headed florax, the toxic mole army, and even the mysterious vapor creature known only as Buzz Kill don’t stand a chance.


PRETENSION: 9, He is a knight after all

IRONY: 4, His one weakness is ye olde herpes

OCCUPATION: A famous knight with a consumer products deal for his action figures

258. KICK-BACK CUT-OFFS HIPSTER

When Corey puts on his cut-off jeans you know it’s kick-back time.  The national weather service monitors his wardrobe so they know when to issue a “max and relax” warning.  Banking systems, the stock market, even ocean currents all seems to stop the moment  he crosses his legs and makes a personal call.  Our best advice to you is to monitor Corey’s M.O.  With any luck, you too could control the very fate of the world with your own fedora crown.


PRETENSION: 5, Pretty chill for a guy who controls the world

259. D.A.R.E. DROP-OUT TEENSTERS

IRONY: 8, He was once a massive stress ball before those cut-offs

OCCUPATION: The man behind the curtain pulling levers

260. SPANKSTERS

PRETENSION: 8, Willing to physically abuse friends to maintain indie vibe

IRONY: 7, This spanking caused internal damage and required hospitalization

OCCUPATION: Some work part-time in sexual dungeons

Hipsters love to administer punishment for mainstream behavior.  The girl below was deserving of black and blue ass cheeks for humming the catchy tune to a Top 40 song that cannot be named.  Naturally, her closest amigos advised her to bend over, grab onto something sturdy, and grin and bear the necessary abuse to her glutes.  Now she’ll think twice before revealing her fondness for commercial crap.  Remember kids, Hipsters don’t let hipster friends act mainstream.