Hard to the fucking core really doesn’t fully convey this hipster’s ‘tude.  He spent an hour and half just on picking the right t-shirt that screamed, “Sure I could kick your ass if I didn’t have my orthodontist appointment.”   But he takes it one step further with his tight plaid pants and matching scarf.  Throw in the single fingerless glove a la Michael Jackson and you have the next generation punching you in the face.  You bitches better recognize!

PRETENSION: 6, Does misdirected anger count?

IRONY: 8, Told his mom to die a slow death because she stopped giving him an allowance



Being a sexy hipster with bleach leaking into your brain is hard god damn work.  That’s why having an assistant to serve you your Jesus juice lifeline is essential. The blood of Christ flows through your system and into your flailing extremities.  The better to dance like a maniac I’m told.  But when consuming the liquid form of your lord and savior, make sure drinkable Jesus has electrolytes.  How embarrassing to pass out at warehouse party due to faulty libations!

PRETENSION: 10, Look at this guy

IRONY: 7, He was a mild-mannered brunette before going James Blond

OCCUPATION: Sexy blond bastard


The poor guy in yellow is caught in a whorepster conundrum.  He wants to bang both whorepsters, but if he answers their query incorrectly he ends up with neither.  He knows they dig his style, which is admittedly stylish as fuck.  But that’s not going to be enough to make up for the heartache one will suffer if he chooses her friend first.  The only solution is to keep his mouth shut, rub their feather tiaras simultaneously and hope they kiss each other.  I wouldn’t feel too bad for him though.  He’s a pro at this.

PRETENSION: 6, Convinced their tiaras look magnificent

IRONY: 4, Bought tiaras in Chinatown as a pair for $4

OCCUPATION: Twin street dancers


James knows how to take his compact beefiness to full throttle.  Don’t let his lax approach to footwear fool you: his striped socks reveal his waxed calf muscles perfectly manscaped at the gym.  Those short shorts work like nylon sausage casings ready to burst.  Don’t worry boys, he’s got lube to spare in that macho murse (man-purse) of his.

PRETENSION: 8, You have to be pretty bold to wear shorts so short

IRONY: 9, Those shorts are child-sized medium

OCCUPATION: Models for Sheer Energy Leggings


Corey and Todd both prefer clinging to the safety of the ground.  This fear of heights above three feet has forever linked them because, let’s face it, no one else would tolerate such social limitations.  Together they explore the various floors of the world from the pristine to the filthy.  Thank god for young love and vertigo!

PRETENSION: 5, Both are too timid to cop too big an attitude

IRONY: 7, Todd’s dad is an airline pilot flying at 40,000 feet

OCCUPATION: Both teach preschoolers to stay low to the ground


The fiends and monsters that originate from the mix of bastardized historical civilizations Xenus fights best go on vacation. This whorepster becomes an all powerful

ass-kicking machine when she pulls on her headband and fluffs her bangs.  Don’t let the vacant look in her eyes fool you; sure she’s drunk, but that makes her even more fierce.  That’s why former girl toy and emotional punching bag Gabrielle is nowhere in sight.  That bitch will beg Xenus to take her back.  Just you wait.

PRETENSION: 7, She’s killed dragons twice your size so shut up or die!

IRONY: 5, She doesn’t kill for honor anymore, just beer money

OCCUPATION: Freelance mercenary


It’s that time of year again where hipsters exodus their urban squalor for their parents’ homes in the suburbs.  They’ll have to explain exactly how they are cashing in on those 4 years of undergrad followed by another 3 getting their masters in linguistics or music therapy.  Hopefully they’re at least grateful for their families’ patience.  Tall order that.

PRETENSION: 8, “It’s called a faux-hawk, mom, God!”

IRONY: 6, “It’s so funny about the family Amex, I mean, last Friday...”

OCCUPATION: Requires a master’s degree & pays minimum wage


Sometimes hipsters just can’t help themselves.  They had entitlement issues bred into them by their mommies who just couldn’t bear to tell them “NO!”  So it should come as no surprise that they occasionally get lost in thought staring at a female’s a pair of breasts.  They don’t mean no harm by it, they just can’t take their eyes away.  My best advice to women is cover up, or accept that you will be ogled by horny hipster hombres.

PRETENSION: 7, Staring at tits your whole life can be empowering

IRONY: 8, Neither has actually touched a breast without paying for it first.

OCCUPATION: Perform mammograms


Klaus knows he’s the bomb diggety.  In fact, he was thrown out of his hometown in Budapest for being way too goddamn sexy.  Either that or for raping farm animals, you can never really tell the whole truth.  Now he lives in San Francisco frequenting outdoor festivals.  Be warned that when the sun comes out, his shirt unbuttons and hypnotic chest hair does its thing.  No whorepster can resist.

PRETENSION: 8, His accent grants him unusual powers.

IRONY: 6, His 70’s era blazer had just come into fashion in his homeland

OCCUPATION: Sex maniac/busboy


This kid’s got shit covered.  His chin is protected by his neon-colored shutter shades so no harm can come to him.  This was proved when he rode across the expressway on a unicycle and was only clipped by a speeding Mercedes.  Sure he ended up in traction, but the shades were very much in tact.  Perfect for sporting in the hospital while he waits for his morphine drip to kick in.

PRETENSION: 9.8, Kanye taught him humility and grace

IRONY: 6, Kanye ignores him

OCCUPATION: Stunt double for Colin Hanks