CLASSIFICATIONS

191. HIPSTER GUMP

His hippie momma always said, “Life is like a box of hash brownies.  You never know how you’re gonna react.”  This hipster-savant is a little slow, but he can name off every indie-rock band of the last decade.  Play the first two chords of a song and he’ll tell you the artist, album, and their favorite drug.  In the attached pic, this Rainman is running light speed to catch MGMT before they play “Kids”.  


PRETENSION: 1, Too dumb to be overtly pretentious

IRONY: 7, Too daft to realize everyone mocks him, including his so-called friends

OCCUPATION: Living off $$ made on NAME THAT TUNE

Corey fell in love with Tori the day she made him his 1st foamy soy latte.  Tori appreciated the $100 tips left in the jar, but not enough to date him. So Corey adopted a mutt from the no-kill shelter, named her Tori, and now fondles his dog in front of her namesake.  Take that!


PRETENSION: 7,

Thinks lap-dogs = street cred

IRONY: 4,

Dog named after barista he stalks

OCCUPATION: Dog walker

192. HIPSTER & BITCHSTER

193. MATCHING HIPSTER LOVERS

It’s bad enough when male hipsters borrow their girlfriends clothes.  But when they start shopping together for matching black pants and undershirts, it’s time break out the HAZMAT suits.  Clearly, the only solution is internment camps where matching hipsters can be rehabilitated.  With the grace of (choose your own) God and electro-shock therapy we can save their wretched souls. 


PRETENSION: 7, Dressing like your significant other is significant.

IRONY: 8, Significantly douchey.

OCCUPATION: Modern Day Olsen Twins

194. PICK-UP TRUCK GIGSTER

Sean believed in himself when no one else would.  His dad kicked him out of the house for dropping out of school and blowing his college money on a guitar, amp and designer boots.  Hater. But Sean will show the world that he isn’t “tone-deaf” and that people do prefer the sound of his voice to “the death-rattle of my only child”.  So what if his first gig is on the back of a truck and he’s getting paid in meth? A gig’s a gig.


PRETENSION: 9, Even struggling musicians cop an attitude.

IRONY: 6, His dad won’t be there to see him rock out for a crowd of 12.

OCCUPATION: Busboy

195. WHOREPSTER WET DREAM

This slumbering whorepster isn’t shy about nodding off in public after one too many $1 Dewar’s and ginger-ales.  Homegirl’s got a keen fashion sense and a sizable beer gut to keep her safe from ridicule.  Us haters can never take away her dreams of winning the Hipster Tag prize.  Fuck with this Pat Benetar wannabe and she’ll Safety Dance on your grave.  Go ahead, hit her with your best shot!


PRETENSION: 6, She’s never afraid to pass out in bar booths

IRONY: 7, She’s been sleeping longer than Rip van Winkle

OCCUPATION: Doorstop

196. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WAITSTER

In case Todd didn’t mention it to you while spitting in your breakfast, he’s in a band and this waiter gig is just temporary.  3 years and 6 tattoos later, Todd’s still waiting for his big break.  Unfortunately Todd intentionally spilled coffee on a patron’s crotch who sent his eggs back, unaware the guy was a record company talent scout.  But when you’re as talented and cocky as Todd, opportunities are as plentiful as herpes cold sores.

PRETENSION: 7, Cockiest waiter in New Orleans

IRONY: 9, His tips reflect his “fuck you” attitude

OCCUPATION: Waiter/Future-rockstar

197. MATCHING EMO HAIRSTERS

SPOILER ALERT: Hipster models/icons Jim and Tim have the same hairdresser.  They lay around the house grooming each other like apes, waiting for their agent to call with big money modeling contracts.  When they do leave the house to attend art functions or score speed to maintain their weight, the hipsterazzi chases them with mopeds, helicopters and segways. The price of beauty can be so cruel.

PRETENSION: 9, They know their hair is gorgeous

IRONY: 7, Tim is actually a natural blond

OCCUPATION: Emo runway models

198. LAZY BARTENDSTER

Hipsters want their jobs to be easy so they can complain about not being utilized enough.  Try telling a hipster to do his/her job and they’ll surely cop an attitude.  That’s why there are equal opportunity employment laws that disallow business owners from discriminating against race, sex, sexual orientation or tightness of pants.


PRETENSION: 7, The power of alcohol is corrupting

IRONY: 6, Pours drinks only for tips

OCCUPATION: Technically a bar-back

199. COMICALLY COOLSTER

No woman has yet resisted Levi’s superhero-level game.  Levi is like the Incredible Hulk of hipsters.  His ironic sex appeal is so great that he bursts out of his t-shirt, leaving only tattered remains of one of his fanboy t-shirts.  Poor Levi has been hereby banished from Comicon because of allegations involving a Princess Leia look-alike.  The lawsuit is still pending, but our internal source indicates that Levi exposed his own light-saber during one wild sexy-time freak out.  Levi still feels it was well worth it.

PRETENSION: 2, Relatively humble with his old-school Doc Martens

IRONY: 4, Made Princess Leia story up, tore up t-shirt himself

OCCUPATION: Comic geekster with anger-management issues

200. GUIDE TO BECOMING THE ULTIMATE HIPSTER

PRETENSION: 10 trillion, and growing exponentially

IRONY: 10 years, Rejected by the Real World and counting

OCCUPATION: International hipster icon

*Pics courtesy of Beth and Jill who should be wartime correspondents