Attention freeloading hipster dudes: Suzanne is on the lookout for her new boy toy.  Her ex-hubby Roland made a killing selling his website to Rupert Murdoch.  But Suzanne never signed a pre-nup so she’s now flushed with cash and eager to spend it frivolously chasing indie-rockers around the world.  Sadly, this Sugar Momma will never be 25 again, in spite of the $400K she’s dropped so far on plastic surgery.

PRETENSION: 7, She’s a mean-spirited gold digger with an army of lawyers.

IRONY: 9, Her lawyers just sent me a cease and desist letter.

OCCUPATION: Whorepster Divorcee


The best advice we can offer you is to give up now.  These sexy beasts are so much radder than you it’s ridonkulous.  Their casual indifference to rules of fashion and common courtesy proves you’re worth less than the organic spinach stuck in their teeth. But don’t worry, half the time these hipsters don’t even qualify as worthy enough. 

PRETENSION: 10, And growing exponentially.

IRONY: 7, Outside their circle, they’re nobodies.

OCCUPATION: The coolest kids in history


“Hey, Man. There’s a beverage here,” bowling hipster icon The Dude once said.  And oh yes, there is indeed in fact a beverage here.  Or two.  Or what’s 20 hipsters times a 12-pack case of generic PBR each bought on sale at the 99 Cents Store?  By the fourth game, the only pins cracking are the bobby pins pegging these hipsters pants when they slip rolling another gutter ball.  But don’t let that scare you.  Their detached judgmentalism in the pursuit of working class chic will take care of that.

PRETENSION: 9.7, You can’t join this league unless your package is visible.

IRONY: 5, The corporate bowling alley they play in rakes in their nonconformist cash

OCCUPATION: Hipster-rollers


These two fabulous Vest Hollywood hipsters always say, “Give me sleeveless sweaters or give me Cat AIDS.”  These publicity savvy queens of tweed are usually found at parties gossiping exclusively amongst themselves.  So unless your jeans are tight, your vest is argyle and you know Andrew Lloyd Webber show tunes by heart, you can kindly fuck off. 

PRETENSION: 6, Wear members-only vests

IRONY: 7, Thinks no one realizes their gay

OCCUPATION: In-VEST-ment bankers


Shorts are known for bringing out the slacker in its wearer.  But for hipster men, it also brings out vanity and feelings of superiority over female counterparts.  This is inevitable as men’s shorts shrink from board shorts to 70’s pro-basketball short shorts style. But pity be the whorepster who tries to upstage her short-sporting hunky hipster.  Keep dreaming, girl!

PRETENSION: 9, He actually prefers his own legs to his girlfriend’s.

IRONY: 5, She dumped him after he used her razor to shave his legs.

OCCUPATION: Shorts-term financial planner


omfg!  brb.  ? r u?  btw, i luv u.  y r u so fug?  i h8 ur face.  lol.

These are only a sample of the types of heartfelt text-messages this text addict hipster teen spends 65% of his day sending. Sure he could have a conversation with his girlfriend, but what about all those people he’s left hanging.  They’re not going to text themselves! 

PRETENSION: 6, Too cool to communicate without shorthand.

IRONY: 7, Will develop full blown arthritis before the age of 25.

OCCUPATION: Teen speed text champion two years in a row


Wearing two cameras around your neck and grandma’s blue sweater is hard god damn work.  Being this indie-cool may just cause you to sweat right out of your rubberized footwear.  That’s why the righteous hipsters now carry shoehorns.  They are esoteric, yet practical.  Plus they look pretty kick ass sticking out your back pocket.

PRETENSION: 8, Gets teary-eyed every time he sees his own picture

IRONY: 5, The cameras are more an accessory and conversation piece.

OCCUPATION: Photographers assistant



The only way these brave young hipsters can save the human race is by jamming their virtual hearts out. A great competition will be held on the planet Galbrax where only the finest hipsters in the universe battle it out with plastic guitars and fake drum kits.  The winner gets their own intergalactic hatchback with a video game rig built into the trunk; the loser loses their planet and all those who mean something to them.  Fair enough.

PRETENSION: 8, Your ego swells when you play for your planet’s survival

IRONY: 10, These kids signed up for the competition knowing Earth was at stake

OCCUPATION: Intergalactic video groovesters


Thanks to major advances in digital enhancement we can now see what Amy Winehouse will look like in 10 years time.  Chances are she won’t live that long so it’s good we have this image for posterity sake.  We even superimposed a doctored image of Amy’s older, brasher, more leech-like husband Blake Fielder-Civil ready to slap the shit out of her.  Those techno-phobe haters out there should know that you can’t photoshop love this deep.

PRETENSION: 6, Their pretentious is predicted to subside as (if) they age

IRONY: 8, They will have spent all Amy’s money on smack if they they live that long

OCCUPATION: Soon to be RIP celebrities