Sorry, Daniel-san. Mr. Miyagi isn’t around to protect you from the cock-blocking Cobra Kai dojo.  You’ve learned the hard roundhouse-to-the-nuts way that these guys fight without honor.  Don’t act so surprised that this guy’s already on your lady with a full court press of High Karate cologne. Your only solution is to crane kick his ego out of the discotheque and wax on wax off her top. 

PRETENSION: 6, Thinks his karate give him license to ill

IRONY: 8, He’s still a white belt

OCCUPATION: Trust fund baby that breaks blocks of ice with forehead

*For those clueless souls, this is a Karate Kid reference


Our hipster friend here trained under the master of economic disaster, M.C. Hammer.  He learned everything from the signature knee-knocking/hip-twisting to how to blow your fortune in no time flat.  Of course this guy’s fortune consists of his weekly paycheck he gets from Coffee Cabana.  Worried that parachute Hammer Pants might take away his tight-panted hipster chic, he bought a keffiyah scarf to keep it real because...You can’t touch this!

PRETENSION: 8, You can fit a lot of ego in those pants

IRONY: 7, He traded all his skinny jeans for parachute pants

OCCUPATION: M.C. Hammer’s protege


There’s a lot riding on the  annual bike race from Williamsburg to Park Slope.  First there’s honor, not to mention a $50 gift-certificate for gourmet cupcakes.  Hipster cyclists throughout the NY area are eager to prove their time working as bike messengers was well worth it.  We shall see.

PRETENSION: 6, All athletes think a lot of themselves

IRONY: 5, Outside of Brooklyn, no one cares who wins

OCCUPATION: Too busy training to work


Professional porn stars bang on sets with catering, crates full of condoms and fluffers galore.  But for the amateur hipsters all loved up with nowhere to go, there’s always the photobooth at their local dive bar.  Sure some pervert might catch you boinking between flashes, but isn’t that the point?

PRETENSION: 4, They are amateurs,

but give them time

IRONY: 7, They spend most of their unemployment checks on photobooth porn

OCCUPATION: Amateur to the XXX-treme!


This hipster was regurgitated straight from 1987. Lucky for him, his neon 80’s getup is now retro, so there’s no need for a make over.  Unfortunately, he suffered as Stevie from a loss of sight.  Something to do with a sharp stick and a wormhole.  But his music remains timeless.  Don’t you worry, he’s living just enough for the cityyyyyyyy!

PRETENSION: 7, In spite of being sight-challenged, he’s got a rude ‘tude

IRONY: 5, This blind man dresses himself

OCCUPATION: Stevie Wonder’s stunt double


Rampant inbreeding has caused the recessive hipster genes to enter the bovine population.  Sadly the cows have all gone loco, their milk tainted, their meat rancid.  This once lovable livestock spend their days in public parks “grazing” on cans of cheap beer and chewing the cud about how lame society is.

PRETENSION: 6, Talking cows are usually full of themselves

IRONY: 8, They’ll be slaughtered in spite of being tainted

OCCUPATION: Coming soon to a hipster butcher near you


The sun did not shine

But no bands did play

So we sat in the flat

Which was totally gay.

And I said, “How I wish

We had some brew!”

Too lame to go out

So we graffiti the wall

And we can not afford

A cocaine eight ball.

PRETENSION: 7, Lives consequence-free existence

IRONY: 9, He’s a cat with a rap sheet a mile long

OCCUPATION: Mischievous hipster cat


Disney’s flagship character has been hereby corrupted beyond redemption.  No longer is Mickey Mouse the ultimate in soft kiddie-kid entertainment.  He’s more like soft-core porn with his signature oversized white gloves that have been places Disney’s corporate office would dare not mention.  Mickey now wanders aimlessly through hipster street festivals increasing brand awareness through illicit and perverted means.  All in a Disney afternoon!

PRETENSION: 8, Controls children's’ dreams

IRONY: 5, Refuses to wear his mouse ears

OCCUPATION: Lives off residual $$ from Tragic Kingdom


This is an enchanted tale of fact falling in love with fiction.  Hipsters are no doubt a grim reality of our modern era; fairies are a fanciful whim of a bygone era.  But on a plane somewhere between truth and hallucination

(San Francisco), the two have met.  It was lust at first sight.  He liked her ethereal wings made in China; she admired his colorful headband and skinny pants.  They made love in a port-a-potty and then vanished into their respective realities.  I love a happy ending.

PRETENSION: 6, When your existence is in question,

you tend to live in the moment

IRONY: 8, You can’t get high on fairy dust

OCCUPATION: Myth Busters


Hipsters play dress up all year round.  So when Halloween rears its playful head you bet your tight pantalones they will take it to the next level. Role playing, makeup, make believe, gorilla suits, it’s all fair game as long as it’s totally ironic.  So do as the hipsters do this Halloween Weekend: drink, snort, bitch and screw your way to happiness.

PRETENSION: 10+, The kitschier the costume, the more self-righteous they are

IRONY: 6, The more elaborate the costume, the more they are over-compensating

OCCUPATION: Everything from barista to record company intern