CLASSIFICATIONS

21. CHRIST-STER

Yes, my child.  those silly revelations writing monks forgot to mention that in the second coming of Christ he would return as a hipster.   Christ-ster just got a text message from his father...some of you know him as God:


JC, POP HERE.  PUT DOWN THE PBR, QUIT THAT LOUSY BAND, BUY A DECENT PAIR OF PANTS AND SPREAD MY GOSPEL!!!  LOL


PRETENSION: Infinity

IRONY: Immortal

OCCUPATION: Underachieving prophet



 


22. HIPSTERDERMY


Sure you can bury or cremate a hipster when they die.  But why waste such a beloved specimen when they can serve as a fashion-forward example for generations to come?


PRETENSION: 3

IRONY: 10

OCCUPATION: Hunting lodge coat rack

23. TWINKSTERS


Zac Efron ain’t got nothing on these combed-over hipster twinks.  Sure he’s got money and fame and Vanessa (insert ironic laugh track), but has Zac ever grabbed his ankles just for fun?  Oh wait...he has.   my bad.  I feel like a total douche right now. 


PRETENSION: 3

IRONY: 3

OCCUPATION: Gay house boys

24. DADSTER


Who says the hipster lifestyle has to die after parenthood?  If anything, a child merely becomes an accessory like nerdy glasses or a man-purse.  you can still rock Art openings, indie rock shows and coke parties...Just stash junior in the corner with a little brandy in his bottle.  A baby crying is so postmodern, don’t you think?


PRETENSION: 7

IRONY: 5

OCCUPATION: eBay power broker

25. UNIMPRESSEDSTERS


Nothing, and I mean NOTHING can impress these hipsters.  They just witnessed a cyborg  dressed as Picasso tear out the beating heart of Benjamin Franklin and squash it into a diamond.  After picking their noses, they merely yawned and then proceeded to argue about whether Franz Ferdinand’s success makes them gay or if they just suck.  


PRETENSION: 10

IRONY: 6

OCCUPATION: Record store clerks

Way beyond the hipsterdome lies a land so dangerously hip that only the strongest comb-overs survive.  Don’t fuck with these hipster road warriors if you know what’s good for you. 


PRETENSION: 5

IRONY: 7

OCCUPATION: Demolition crew

26. MR. & MRS. MAD MAXSTER

You can tell by his tight-pant walk,

He’s a Hipster man with a tiny cock.

Indie rock and porkpie hats,

White pantsuit, a case of the clap.


And now he’s all right. He’s OK.

Even though he looks super gay.

You squares just can’t understand,

The hard knock life of a hipster man.


Ah, ha, ha, ha, Hipper than you,

Hipper than you.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, Hipper than yooouuu!


PRETENSION: 10 million

IRONY: 10 billion

OCCUPATION: Retired member of Menudo

27. SATURDAY NIGHT HIPSTER

28. HOBOSTERS


Most hipsters come from affluent backgrounds where living like a bum is a personal choice.  Somewhere out there I bet there’s a hobo dressed like a trust fund kid with entitlement issues.  


PRETENSION: 0

IRONY: 5

OCCUPATION: Organ donors

29. DEAD ELVIS HIPSTER

Hunk a hunk of flabby flesh.  This Elvis hipster wannabe has had his share, my share and your share of PBR, generic vicodin and stale pop tarts.  It’s not a crime to be this beautiful, but it should be.

PRETENSION: 8

IRONY: 5

OCCUPATION: Elvis impersonator, duh!

*SENT FROM SPY IN PORTLAND, OR

30. HIPSTER PHONICS


Do you know what’s mega hip this season?  Besides ugly Christmas sweaters, skinny black pants, and ladies Keds?  Reading.  Even if it’s just vice magazine.  Read to your local hipster early and often and together we can beat hipster illiteracy.


PRETENSION: 10

IRONY: 0, Illiteracy isn’t funny

OCCUPATION: School teachers