Gothsters rarely take issue with PDA. Why should they when mainstream culture already dismisses them out of hand?  There isn’t that much distinguishing them from the preppy couples in pastel expect spiked bracelets, fishnet stockings and gas masks.  Should the world be overrun with toxic zombies they would armed and ready.

PRETENSION: 7, You need gall to leave the house like this

IRONY: 4, She’s the dom

OCCUPATION: Work together at kinky sex shop


Franken Beans was the hottest stud in the 70’s and 80’s.  If you were making gay porn back then, chances are you hired Franken. TIGHT CABOOSE magazine hailed, “Hands down, the filthiest twink since Alexander the Greek in his stunning performance WORLD DOMINATION, ANAL PENETRATION.”  Franken Beans has since been accepted by the hipster community who adore the kitschy raunchiness he brings to every party.  We dare you ask him about ranch dressing.

PRETENSION: 9, In the early 80’s his ego was in overload, now that he’s retro its back

IRONY: 7, Would have done it all for free

OCCUPATION: LIves off residuals from Davey Does Dallas


PRETENSION: 6, You need attitude to keep up with the foos-masters.

IRONY: 8, The bar is going to trade the foos table for a pinball machine

OCCUPATION: All have day jobs, but live for their table soccer nights

The Williamsburg Foosball League ain’t no joke.  There’s rampant gambling, boozing and brawling over skewered plastic men smacking little balls around.  Just ask the novice who thought he was stepping into a pickup game of drunken foosball.  The poor bastard in critical condition had it coming; he cheated by spinning his men around recklessly, rather than making controlled shots.  The church of foosball takes no prisoners and meets every night at happy hour.  Your up, Ace!


There is nothing more macho than wearing the same pants as your best friend.  It’s shorthand for saying, “Yeah I work out and watch football and have never EVER copped a feel with my friend Todd.”  Bonus hetero points if the pants are extra tight and have useless zippers. 

PRETENSION: 8, It takes hutzpah to wear those pants in public

IRONY: 6, They lathered each other up to squeeze into their matching fashion statement

OCCUPATION: They work hard for the money, so hard for the money, so you better treat them right


Sometimes you just gotta cop to it.  It’s hard to admit you don’t like the new you you reinvented.  But you can finally take solace in your sincerity.  If you don’t, at least you have a cute little hat and wardrobe designed for a tweenage girl in the 80’s.  Good luck with that.

PRETENSION: 5, Lukewarm because it’s false

IRONY: 9, Thinks he was pulling it off the last 4 years



This boy’s like the saint of irony standing miles above sea level.  He is inspired; he is inspiring; the world ought to take note.  Beholden only to his special lady friend Mother Nature, he yodels indie-rock anthems from the tallest peaks.  One can almost make out his silhouette shrouded in apathy, but it may have just been a vision, like seeing the Virgin Mary in taco grease.

PRETENSION: 7, Truly believes he communicates with God high above the earth

IRONY: 6, Hit in the head by a drum cymbal, which has caused delusions

OCCUPATION: Mountain Messiah


I’m embarrassed for everyone in the world wearing matching socks.  You sad fashion neanderthals clearly haven’t gotten the memo on the future of footwear.  Any fashionista worth their weight in coke-fueled pretension can tell you that left foot and right foot don’t mix.  The style is paradox so if you can’t get with the times and sport two different styles on your feet you might as well vote Republican.

PRETENSION: 8, He’s a trendsetter

IRONY: 8, Also a bedwetter

OCCUPATION: Foot-fancy-free-fashionista

248. E.S.P. PICK-UP HIPSTERS                                            

The mind can be a powerful weapon in your barroom pickup arsenal.  One must keep it limber with a strict regimen of heavy drinking, intense concentration, and wise counsel from your skeeviest associates.  The whorepsters won’t know what hit them until their face is already pressed into a pillow gasping for air.  Bartender, another round, please!


depending on ESP success

IRONY: 6, Purely manipulative and slightly immoral


Telemarketers by day

249. WHOREPSTER ULTIMATUM                                          

Don’t fuck with a head strong whorepster.  These former daddy’s girls ALWAYS get what they want.  So if you are the (un)fortunate soul attempting to have a relationship with one of these girls, be ready to acquiesce to her every whim.  She wants you to blow off your sister’s wedding to catch a show in Oakland?  She feels like spending your rent money on a hotel coke party? She asks you for a kidney...for her ex-boyfriend in that band.  You best do it or she’s gone.

PRETENSION: 9.5, This girl has every jackass in skinny jeans on a leash

IRONY: 5, She already gave you chlamydia

OCCUPATION: Doesn’t need a job, she has you

SPOILER ALERT: Most hipsters are alcoholics who binge drink as a sport. Talk about investigative reporting!  The Hipster Hunter went behind the scenes to give you this exclusive peak into the lives of one Denver Hipster.   Jeremiah’s hard-drinking Montana roots took to the Mile High City of Coors Light and coffee-shops like a hooker to a loose twenty.  Four years later and the hijinks below show off his finest hour.  A victim of circumstance or a bellwether of human devolution.  You decide.

PRETENSION: 6, When he’s sober admiring his mustache

IRONY: 4, Took him three months to grow that ‘stache

OCCUPATION: Drinking away his rodeo clown $$