CLASSIFICATIONS

131. SAMPLE SALE HIPSTERS

It’s a scientific fact: No hipster can resist cleverly kitschy t-shirts.  But you best hit the deck when there’s a sample sale. Merchandise sold at a fraction of the cost at Urban Outfitters or other local hipster merchants will guarantee bargain basement bloodshed.

PRETENSION: 3, They ain’t too proud to pay wholesale

IRONY: 8, They usually get what they pay for

OCCUPATION: Bargain brawlers

Meet the true merchant of Venice.  He sells all-inclusive Italian love packages: 1 gondola ride through the Venice canals (actually the Venetian in Las Vegas), sings 3 opera songs one of which will be “Ave Gonorrhea”, plus he’ll throw in a Polaroid of himself cock-blocking your shit for an extra twenty bucks.  If you can’t fall in love with this guy around, then chances are that you’re a cyborg programmed to be a buzz kill.


PRETENSION: 6, Classically trained soprano

IRONY: 5, He works in the canals at the Venetian, not Venice, Italy

OCCUPATION: Las Vegas gondolier

132. GONDOLIER HIPSTER

You must always be honest with your best friend no matter how embarrassing your confession might be.  These emo hipsters are so tight they can overcome any obstacle...right?

PRETENSION: 8, These guys buy matching pants

IRONY: 7, Dude on the right is a homophobe

OCCUPATION: Ambiguously emo duo

133. HIPSTER CONFIDENTIAL

Rainbow Bright was innocently bringing color into the world until she fell in with the wrong crowd.  She went from bright and cheerful to somber and bitter, especially after she started getting high on her own supply of rainbow dust.

PRETENSION: 7, Rainbow dust makes her cocky

IRONY: 5, She was such a good role model for girls

OCCUPATION: International rainbow distribution

134. RAINBOW BRIGHT, JUNKIE WHOREPSTER

135. CAPTAIN SAFTEY HIPSTER

Not sure how you cross the street safely?  Fear not!  Captain Safety, your friendly neighborhood First Aid hipster is on the job.  Watch the deliberate movement of his head from left to right.  Now it’s safe for this crossing guard drunk on art gallery wine to venture across the street.


PRETENSION: 6, Big responsibility = big ego

IRONY: 8, it’s court-ordered community service

OCCUPATION: Alcoholic crossing guard

136. TRIPLE-FISTING HIPSTERS

Triple your boozing = triple the fun.  At least that’s what my grandpappy used to say.  Of course he died of cirrhosis of the liver while driving his truck wasted off a cliff into a ravine full of toxic alligators.  The point of this story?  That beloved old man would still be alive today if his hipster pants hadn’t cut of circulation to his brain.


PRETENSION: 5, They’re blitzkrieged

IRONY: 4, Their matching hats don’t make them look as cool as they think

OCCUPATION: Cheerful drunks

137. ANDY WARHIPSTER & BOY GEORGESTER

These two iconoclasts paved the way for so many sexually ambiguous hipsters to come.  For 3 decades their oddball fashion sense and firm belief that IRONY = ART made the world a more fabulous place.  They have a retrospective show honoring their many contributions to humanity...in their own mind.  BYOB.


PRETENSION: 10, They’re icons

IRONY: 5, Nobody’s heard of them

OCCUPATION: Artists of the highest caliber

138. PRIVATE PARTY HIPSTERS

Need we say more?  These exclusive hipsters got it going on.  I’ve already checked twice... you’re not on the guestlist! 


PRETENSION: 10, They’re the beautiful people

IRONY: 10, They all know the DJ

OCCUPATION: VIP Hipsters

139. HIPSTER HAT ENVY

This poor whorepster on the left is green with envy.  She got herself all dolled up with her hair permed, blouse with a hole in it, and even brought her favorite dental dam.  But now she looks out of place next to her pals sporting the English paperboy hats.

PRETENSION: 1, She’s bumming without her hat

IRONY: 2, It’s not easy being green (with envy)

OCCUPATION: Coveter of thy neighbors hat

140. SKY-GAZING HIPSTER

Staring directly into the sun has it’s advantages:

  1. 1.You can burn away that pesky retina

  2. 2.You look WAY cool doing it

  3. 3.Justifies you wearing goofy hats & sun glasses

  4. 4.Makes non-hipster friends fall in love with you.


The moral of this story is, if you’re a hipster keen on blinding yourself...HAVE AT IT!  But if you contribute to society in any way...PLEASE DON’T!



PRETENSION: 9, Blindness is next to Godliness

IRONY: 4, He really needs his sunglasses now

OCCUPATION: Hipstronomer