CLASSIFICATIONS

71. DAVID HIPSTERHOFF

David Hasselhoff’s bastard love child is coming to a watering hole near you.  WARNING: His manly chest and Knight Rider era jumpsuit may cause multiple orgasms to any female in a 3-mile radius, pets included.

PRETENSION: 7, Not quite his dad...yet

IRONY: 8, Look at that rug on his chest

OCCUPATION: Heir to hasselhoff estate

Ivan cooks, Ivan cleans, Ivan gives randy russian rubdowns.  A pack of San Diego hipsters pooled a weeks worth of coke money and bought themselves a commie pet.  They’ve already taught him to say, “totally lame”, “Another PBR” and “that is so ironic, ya!”  Ivan never removes his babushka and his happy endings are the best this side of Siberia.


PRETENSION: 2, But he’s learning

IRONY: 5, He mispronounces everything

OCCUPATION: Commie house boy

Looking for Dr. Feelgood?  Look no further than this new generation of leather clad buttrock hipsters.  They sport skin tight pants and have inherited every venereal disease Tommy Lee and vince neil gave their moms when they were Crue groupies in the 80’s.

72. RUSSIAN MAIL ORDER HIPSTER

73. MOTLEY CRUE-STERS

PRETENSION: 8, rock on Woo!

IRONY: 6, Rock ‘til you Puke!

OCCUPATION: Hair tonic guinea pigs

Ah, hipster newlyweds.   Scotty can look past his beloved Snotty’s imperfections, which become more apparent by  the day.  He doesn’t care that Snotty’s phlegmy, gassy and infected him with the syphilis on their honeymoon (yet).  With beer in hand and eyes wide shut, love conquers all.


PRETENSION: 8, They think they’re soooooooo mature

IRONY: 0, Marriage ain’t funny

OCCUPATION: Nurse/wet-nurse

74. SNOTTY & SCOTTY HIPSTER

75. HIPSTER ON THE RUN

ATTENTION ALL PERSONNEL: Be on the look out for hipster criminal mastermind Leo Ballz

who allegedly hijacked a truck full of converse sneakers and fedoras.  Leo is a master of disguise considered armed and extremely ironic.   This is the last known picture of him fleeing the country under alias Jonas Goldstein. 

PRETENSION: 9, Evil geniuses are always so full of themselves

IRONY: 9, He’s beaten every federal agent at their own game

OCCUPATION: Fugitive/hipster icon

Tony rules the hollywood streets atop his 4-wheel steed.  He scoffs at the notion that he’s “too old to skate”.  Clearly you nay-sayers don’t appreciate the irony that a skateboard is this 32-year-old dude in tight black pants’ only mode of transportation.  But the best part is The Tony Faux-hawk Pro Hipster video game comes out on Nintendo Wii next week.

PRETENSION: 8, He doesn’t need a car to travel

IRONY: 10, Can’t afford car after buying designer knit hat

OCCUPATION: Hollywood Skateboard icon

76. TONY FAUX-HAWK PRO HIPSTER

77. HIPSTER HUMAN SACRIFICE

Debbie has been chosen by the hipster elders to be sacrificed to their gods (Beck, Jack White and Pete Dougherty).  But don’t feel bad for lil Debbie.  She’s been granted the highest honor in her hipster tribe...to be tossed into an erupting volcano.


PRETENSION: 8, She’s a hipster martyr

IRONY: 7, Only the good hipsters die young

OCCUPATION: Vestal virgin

Randall and his comic crew come correct every Tuesday night at his university’s student union.  He’s not just the President, VP and Treasurer; Randall is also the sole member.  So Randall is hoping his tight black pants and plaid vans will woo some closet comic dork hipsters. Perhaps hipster superhero ironicus will come to the aid of his fledgling campus organization. 


PRETENSION: 2, Comic dork = low self esteem

IRONY: 1, Nothing ironic about being an outcast

OCCUPATION:  Comic shop intern

78. COMIC BOOK DORKSTER

Wine is so vanilla these days.  Hipsters either evolve with the times or go extinct.  That’s why these snobsters are at the whiskey bar drinking themselves into overpriced relevancy.  See Todd’s a bourbon guy, but Julie’s prefers scotch.  But they make it work, usually after their fourth highball.


PRETENSION: 8, At $15 a drink?

IRONY: 4, They spent their rent money on that last 20 year single malt

OCCUPATION: Ironic booze-hounds

79. WHISKEY SNOBSTERS

A beautiful whorepster named Sheila is locked in the attic polishing her evil stepmother’s Faberge Egg collection.  That crabby old bitch even gave away Sheila’s skintight designer jeans to her stupid stepsisters whose fat asses stretched them out so far they resemble raver pants!  But somewhere over the rainbow flag, Sheila’s fairy God-hipster has her back.  Fluffernuttina will turn an empty PBR can into a Prius that will take poor Sheila to the Chromeo show.  Who knows?  Maybe Sheila will meet Prince Pretentious.  Bippety Boppety Boo!


PRETENSION: 9, magic gives your ego a boost

IRONY: 7, Fluffernuttina thinks he’s a lady

OCCUPATION: Granter of ironic wishes

80. FAIRY GOD-HIPSTER