CLASSIFICATIONS

291. POP-A-SQUATSTER

292. BANDANA BOY VS. SCARFSTER

Bandana Boy has spent his life defending The Bandan Lands by wearing outlandish outfits bright enough to be recognized from space.  His nemesis the dreaded Scarfster is determined to mute out his neon color with his scarf of death’s dark shadow.  They fight to the death on a regular basis causing massive destruction to the metropolis before giving up and grabbing a drink with no final resolution.  You’d never guess that mortal enemies could be drinking buddies, but they are after all hipsters.


PRETENSION: 6, Consider ability to down a six pack of Pabst in a minute super powers

IRONY: 9, Both think they fight on the side of good.

OCCUPATION: Mortal enemies with a graphic novel coming soon

294. PANDHANDSTLERS

Hipsters start to panhandle not too long after they cash their last trust fund check.  The money has been blown on large fedora collections, mountains of now-empty beer cans, and bigger mountains of blow.  But it was a hell of a ride sponsored by their parents’ credit cards.  So be sure to donate next time you see a hipster with his or her hand out.  It’s an investment in the future.


PRETENSION: 8, Remind you they panhandle as social protest

IRONY: 5, Poverty is just so ironic, don’tcha think?

OCCUPATION: Spare any change?

295. LOU REED HIPSTER

This hipster kid’s underground is so velvet he’s practically a VENUS IN FURS on HEROIN WAITING FOR THE MAN for ALL TOMORROW’S PARTIES.  Look into his PALE BLUE EYES and you will find a LUST FOR LIFE.  He’s on the RUN RUN RUN for his FEMME FATALE on SUNDAY MORNING because he’s a EUROPEAN SON.  THERE SHE GOES AGAIN, offering to him, “I’LL BE YOUR MIRROR.”


PRETENSION: 7, He lives in the 70’s, man

IRONY: 4, Lou Reed is gay and never had a son

OCCUPATION: Lou Reed born 30 years too late

296. BOOTY-TEXTING HIPSTER

From: Ingrid Pirate Bar

“Hey u, sexy man.  I want u 2 cum over and give me sum good luvin.  XOXO”

Dec 15, 1:37am


From: Me

“Out at bar w friends.  2 drunk 2 drive. Last call. 1 more shot.  Rain check.”

Dec 15, 1:42am


From: Ingrid Pirate Bar

“I’ll blow u.”

Dec 15, 1:48am


From: Me

“be there in 10 min.”

Dec 15, 1:59am

PRETENSION: 7, Knows he can get laid

IRONY: 8, Will drive drunk tonight

OCCUPATION: Does it matter?

Attention female Hipster Hunter readers: Corey here knows what it’s like to be a natural woman.  He has studied your ways, worn your clothes, and sniffed your panties.  Trust me when I tell you that he’s a bigger bitch than any of you.  You’d think he’d say thank you for making his crotch bleed, but no!  This douchebag hit me with his purse and demanded I pick up some tampons stat.



PRETENSION: 8, He’s been a woman and isn’t about to let you forget that

IRONY: 6, Considers himself a feminist

OCCUPATION: Simulated female experience coach

297. HANDS IN THE AIR HIPSTER

You can’t really tell whether this FUNKY green  cap with the flipped brim has his hands in the air earnestly or doing it to be ironic.  He is listening to is his favorite mashup DJ.  Or was that last week?  You can’t keep up with these mashup party DJs, you know?  In many ways, it really doesn’t matter.  This hipster’s cuffs are rolled up in case of a flood and he’s ready to party.  Holla!


PRETENSION: 5, His glasses are rose-tinted

IRONY: 7, Stole the hat from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Museum.

OCCUPATION: Funky Freaky Fool don’t need no job!

298. PARTY-TIME HIPSTERS

Do you ever find yourself at some boring as shit party where even the host looks like he’s falling asleep?  Fret no more.  These hipsters can get any party rocking from a record release shindig to a funeral wake.  Trust me when I say the room will shake like it’s in a magnitude 10 earthquake.  With their hands in the air, shit-eating grins on their faces and “no one can stop us now” attitude, these guys are guaranteed fun in a can.

PRETENSION: 7, Confident in their ability to get a party going.

IRONY: 6, Bought the party enthusiast business from retired hipster.

OCCUPATION: Party People

299. NAIL-BITING HIPSTER

This poor blond boy does enough worrying for the entire Midwest.  To all hipsters in Chicago, Cleveland, Detroit and beyond, this kid’s got you covered.  Life is tough when you care too much, a crime for which he is guilty as charged. As a result, his manicure bill exceeds his rent because he leaves his nails and cuticles mangled like beef jerky.  But don’t worry, he does take donations for the all-important community service he provides.  Yes, he does accept Paypal!


PRETENSION: 6, Fully aware that the weight of the world rests on his shoulders

IRONY: 8, He worries about problems that don’t even exist yet.

OCCUPATION: Worry wart