CLASSIFICATIONS

1. CLASSIC HIPSTER


Hipsters are everywhere and they’re everyones’ problem.  feel your pants tightening?  Your whole outfit becoming a spectacle?  You can thank the hipsters for their ironic contribution to the world of fashion, music, and whatever else they hate du jour.


PRETENSION: 10

IRONY: 7

OCCUPATION: Unemployed

2. WHOREPSTER


A reasonably attractive hipster chick with promiscuous tendencies.  These specimens respond favorably to such mating calls as: “You wanna go back to my place and blow lines and fuck?”


PRETENSION: 7

IRONY: 1, Not smart enough to be ironic

OCCUPATION: Works in a cupcake bakery

3. HIPSTERLYMPIAN


Hipsters can be athletes too, right?  Apparently.  This sporty specimen is  training in his tightest jeans and t-shirt uniform for some future touch football tournament.  But seriously, dude.  If you’re taking it seriously, why bother?


PRETENSION: 8

IRONY: 4

OCCUPATION: Sells shoes at foot locker

4. HIPSTER CRACK


Yes, that’s right.  Hipster crack.  These hipsters have taken the whole tight pants thing so far they’re buying jeans at baby gap.  The result is a delightful display more commonly associated with plumbers.


PRETENSION: 7

IRONY: 8

OCCUPATION: Unable to work due to tightness of pants

5. HIPSTER IDOL


Many competed through rigorous substance abuse, venereal contraction and distribution & all around filthiness.  But this baby has shambled all the way to the top.


PRETENSION: 10

IRONY: 10

OCCUPATION: Rockstar/celebrity leach

6. HOGSTER


The hogster clearly took the DARE program mandate of “Just say no” a little too seriously.  Just say no to exercise, healthy diet and proper hygiene.  


PRETENSION: 2

IRONY: 5

OCCUPATION: Taste tester

7. HIPSTER LOVE


Even Hipsters can find true love...

among their own ranks.  Sorry you silk-striped shirts from Manhattan and Santa Monica.   You’re S.O.L. 


PRETENSION: 2

IRONY: 0

OCCUPATION: American Apparel models

8. HERPSTER


Hipster love is usually so hot it burns you twice...usually in the form of a cold sore, warts or painful urination.  Thanks Craigslist Casual Encounters!


PRETENSION: 5

IRONY: -10

OCCUPATION: Porn fluffer

9. HIPSTER ON WHEELS


You have to be a real square to get around town in something as lame as a car.  A real hipster prefers two wheels, tight jeans and knock-off Raybans.  Without a comb over, why bother?


PRETENSION: 8

IRONY: 7

OCCUPATION: Dreamer

10. HIPSTEROPOLIS


Whether it’s Silverlake or Williamsburg, hipsters always stake out their own territories.  It’s like manifest destiny with the pesky Indians being the ethnic minorities their trust funds price out of the neighborhood.


PRETENSION: 10

IRONY: 0

OCCUPATION: Every pretentious

job under the sun.