Teddy is an entrepreneurial Post-Katrinster.  His New Orleans neighbors were struggling so he’s giving them a chance to pull themselves up by their bootstraps via homegrown porn. He’s got a camera, a basement bedroom, condoms and a bucket full of seafood.  All you have to do is show up.  Careful, those aviator shades are hypnotic.    

PRETENSION: 7, Thinks he runs NOLA

IRONY: 9, Got a FEMA grant to start his new business

OCCUPATION: New Orleans pornographer

Cedric here bought his girlfriend a pair of jeans customized for the skintight distressed look.  But one day he couldn’t resist the urge to try on these magnificent trousers.  For the last 3 months he hasn’t removed them, even to shower.  Sure Cedric’s package has been squashed beyond recognition, and yes his lady is about to leave him.  But a fashion statement this bold requires sacrifice.  

PRETENSION: 5, As nuts squash, ego soars

IRONY: 6, Girlfriend won’t return his credit cards

OCCUPATION: Street performing trust-fundster



The Hipster Hair Council is now in session.  The honorable chair of the committee Nigel with the

medieval-page mullet presiding.  All you who wish to take up arms with the councils’ fashionable hair faux pas can kindly fuck off.  The council is just here to let you know they are impervious to your barbs and critiques.  They know they look hot, if only to blind folks with scurvy.  

PRETENSION: 5, As nuts squash, ego soars

IRONY: 6, Girlfriend won’t return his credit cards

OCCUPATION: Public servants


The modern day Uncle Sam isn’t beckoning you to serve your country via military service.  No, sir.  This metallic vessel of truth, liberty, and the pursuit of drunkenness wants you to quit your job, cash in your 401K, and move into a artist colony.  You help the movement grow exponentially until there’s no consumers, just artists pumping out esoteric masterpieces no one can afford to buy.  Only then can America rise like phoenix and regain our dominance of the world economy.  Until then, Americans are merely a country of silver mimes.

PRETENSION: 7, Silver skin makes him think he’s bionic

IRONY: 8, Silver paint entered his blood stream

OCCUPATION: American hipster icon 


Steve-Roy hasn’t met a cliched film plot twist he didn’t like.  It’s all part of his social commentary on the world at large.  Make a bad film avant garde enough and you have yourself a Top Jury prize at Sundance or at the very least, a Toronoto Film Festival best director award.

PRETENSION: 9.86, Film school will do that

IRONY: 7, Has yet to make a short film his audience understands

OCCUPATION: Film student, AKA parents payroll


Roger prides himself on his beer snobbery.  He’s tried every micro-brew from Anchor Steam to Purple Haze.  He even runs a beer blog and gets samples from the breweries he endorses.  But as much as Roger lives for the latest and greatest in micro-brewology, he has a soft spot for Pabst Blue Ribbon.  There’s just something about that mass-produced bargain basement swill that makes his booze-soaked heart go pitter patter.

PRETENSION: 7, He’s the ultimate authority on beer-related matters

IRONY: 8, Still works a day job to pay for his extensive brew research

OCCUPATION: Beer lobbyist


“Doctor Jonester!  Doctor Jonester!  Look out for the giant boulder made of headbands!  Arrggghhh!!!”

No problem.  This hipster archeologist has traveled the world digging up ironic artifacts like after-party flyers and herpes cream at dive bars and coffee shops.  He’s also the first scientist to document the cumulative effect of nonchalance to the economy.  He doesn’t use a whip, but does rely heavily on his trusty beer cozies.  Plus he’s a notorious ladies man who has bedded a few double agents Nazi whorepsters in his day.

PRETENSION: 8, He’s a world famous grave robber

IRONY: 7, Was accused of sexually harassing a mummy

OCCUPATION: Hipsterologist


It’s a long and treacherous race between the beach party and the liquor store.  Many hipcyclists train year round for the Tour de Hipster on a steady diet of grain alcohol and Cliff Bars.  These two racing studs have big dreams of out-racing and out-drinking their tight-panted opponents.  Their matching side-strap messenger bags loaded with performance enhancing snacks make them the team to beat.

PRETENSION: 7.5, Owning a tricked out bike will go to your head.

IRONY: 7, The hipcyclist with the pink one-speed is sponsored by Mattel.

OCCUPATION: Hipster cyclists


Do want to know your future?  Curious if you’ll ever end up with that 30-deep collection of vintage Converse?  Would you like to know how you will contract Chlamydia?  Talk to this holy hipster who has a direct line to the man upstairs.  Apparently hipsters are the ironic horsemen of the End of Days.

PRETENSION: 9, He believes he talks to God

IRONY: 7, Small part of a massive hipster pyramid scheme

OCCUPATION: Shaman that tells fortunes for beer money


Poor Raggedy Andy has lost his raggedy whorepster counterpart Raggedy Anne.  They spent years together collecting dust on a thrift store shelf that belonged to Guatemalan immigrants.  But hipsters drove up rent prices and one trustfundster took it over the store and turned it into tight-pants depot.  Then a dadster bought Anne for his illegitimate daughter Chloe.  So Andy’s fairy god-hipster turned Andy into a real man to find his lover Anne before child services takes Chloe and Anne away from her negligent scenester parents.  

PRETENSION: 2, Only this morning he was just a moldy rag doll.

IRONY: 8, Thinks he’s a real hipster

OCCUPATION: Pinocchio of hipsters