All you hetero hipsters are screwed

with a capital HPV!  The ladies scream whenever King Leon rolls into a party with his skinny blue jeans & Brokeback Mtn. cowboy boots.  Granted he won’t bang the whorepster of your affection, but he’s the queen of cock-blocking...unless your into an experimenting. 

PRETENSION: 9, His sass stretches coast to coast

IRONY: 5, Claims to only hook up with straight dudes

OCCUPATION: Part-time star-fucker,

full-time cock-sucker


This man’s dance moves are hotter than a bunsen burner.  When he rocks a house party with his rainbow checkered Vans God cries tears of pride.  Sure you could just call that rain coincidence. But he once dated a girl that was 1/8 Cherokee so naturally he learned how to Rain Dance by osmosis.  I’d like to see you control precipitation by shaking your ass.

PRETENSION: 8, His dance moves are blogged about

IRONY: 6, Assholes like me make fun of him of his moves

OCCUPATION: Rain-dances for desperate pot farmers


Every Tuesday night this generous hipster dressed like an rabbi offers up his girlfriend to anyone willing to part with $12.95.  What you get with the order is a plate of three-day-old french fries, a half-frozen turkey pot pie, plus ten minutes in the ladies room alone with anything goes action satisfaction.  Yes there is usually a long line, plus you run the risk of contracting herpes, but can’t you see the value?  It’s cheaper than a massage with happy ending. Plus the tips helps her pay her way through dance school so you’re supporting the arts!

PRETENSION: 2, She’s anything goes as long as her hipster pimp say okay

IRONY: 9, Thinks this is the “art school way”

OCCUPATION: Marketing ploy for struggling restaurant


You don’t have to be European to ride your little scooter around town with a smug superiority.  But it certainly helps complete the look.  Not only are you getting killer gas mileage and all the fresh air you can gulp, but think of the protein from the bugs you swallow.  To boost your street cred, wear the emblem of a lesser known football (soccer dumbass) team along with the leather coat you bought in a Barcelona flea market.  Now demand your employer pay you only in Euro currency and you will be officially official.

PRETENSION: 7, The smuggest man on two wheels

IRONY: 8, This is his fourth Vespa, the others have been totaled

OCCUPATION: US-based spokesman for Vespa, Inc.


You ain’t really nada in this world if you isn’t krunk.  Word to the mother-flipping streetz!  Pre-partying to get your krunk on has never been more important.  Your rep, steez and overall flow are on the line.  So you self-respecting best step up or get stepped on.  Notice how these hipster specimens are so krunk, they wear different shades of the same pair of shoes and pants.  This ain’t no krunking accident.

PRETENSION: 1-10, depending on just how krunk they are

IRONY: 7, Without krunk-fidence they clam up like abused step-child

OCCUPATION: Too busy getting krunk to hold down a day job


Meet the pied piper of Midwest hipsters.  This guy makes Raffi look like Rambo.  When he’s not frightening children and the elderly, he can be found dishing out fashion advice in the women’s section of JC Penny.

PRETENSION: 7, Those are in fact Urban Outfitters issued non-prescription glasses

IRONY: 7, Without chemically enhanced hipster identity, he’d never leave the house

OCCUPATION: Public access children’s show host

*Pics courtesy of Anonymous Midwest Hipster Hunter Fan


All you sucker MC’s and whack ass DJ’s caught a lucky break.  Damon was voted sexiest man alive by the Village Scum three winters in a row.  So he’s scaling his bling, blang and blumpkins to give y’all a fighting chance to shine.  He doesn’t expect you to offer him a humanitarian award, but that doesn’t mean he won’t accept a Peabody or Nobel Prize for awesomeness.

PRETENSION: 8.8, Beauty like this comes at the cost of humility

IRONY: 6, Some narcissists with poor taste actually said he couldn’t runway

OCCUPATION: Beauty pageant contestant


They took poll around the Echo Park neighborhood on who is the ultimate local adonis.  This specimen was nominated seven hundred times, eclipsing the gay cowboy that dances on the street for phone numbers.  Blondey has his eye on the ball, always making sure to dismiss anyone with a contrary opinion about his complexion’s sheen.

PRETENSION: 10+, full on til the break of dawn

IRONY: 5, Doesn’t realize he’s a mere mortal

OCCUPATION: Graduate of Handsome Boy Modeling School


Johnny here always wanted to be a hipster, but he suffers from a rare and debilitating disease called Slackatitus and cannot fulfill his dream.  The Silverlake branch of the Make a Wish Foundation decided enough was enough.  They bought Johnny tight pants and fedora he could call his own.  They even provided him with his own whorepster escort who kicked up his street cred since every cool hip kid around has banged her.  Johnny may just survive Slackititus, even if that means trading it for Hipsteritus.

PRETENSION: 3, But he’s learning

IRONY: 6, Slackititus isn’t fatal or an actual disease

OCCUPATION: Scientific anomaly


Every hipster dreams.  Some dream of owning a pair of converse high tops in every color.  Others dream of Pabst Blue Ribbon pouring out of their shower faucets.  Yet some dream of other hipsters.  And it doesn’t mean they’re necessarily gay (not ruling it out), just obsessed with the lifestyles of their fellow tight-panted warriors.  The fact that these are usually wet dreams does make you wonder though.

PRETENSION: 7, When dreaming a little dream

IRONY: 4, Claims he’s totally straight in his waking hours

OCCUPATION: Sleeper agent