CLASSIFICATIONS

61. DOWN  UNDSTERS

G’day.  Not even the isolated Australian continent can fend off the hipster threat.  Aussie hipsters march to Jet’s “Be My girl” and grow stronger by the day.  They’ve taken the indifference of North American hipsters, borrowed some European arrogance, and mixed it up with their own surf/rugby culture.  The result is a sand up your shorts, vegemite-stained mustache, Victorian Bitter (Aussie pbr) hang over.  Throw another crustacean no one’s ever heard of on the barbie!

*Sent from Cheesy Lambert and the Docster in Sydney, Australia.

PRETENSION: Average Aussie 7.5

IRONY: 1-10

OCCUPATION: Living on the dole

Hipsterism is like child abuse, it’s the gift that keeps on giving.  Stu hasn’t see much of his son ever since Holt’s mom got remarried to Roy who has a job, a 401K and a condo.  Since Stu’s band hasn’t been signed...yet, he only gets weekends with holt.  But father and son always have a blast hanging out at dive bars or when Stu splurges and takes Holt shopping at the Good will.     


PRETENSION: 6, Give Holt some time

IRONY: 9, But Holt turns 10 in March

OCCUPATION: Court ordered child support

62. HIPSTER FAMILY BONDING

63. THE YEAR OF THE HIPSTER

Every Hipster has some master plan for 2008.  Their dreams are fearless, but their apathy knows no bounds.  Let’s check with this sample of hipster’s new year’s resolutions:


1. To play backup for beck

2. Learn how to tie a tie.

3. Teach interpretive dance

4. To finally go to Juliard and

    compose ballet.

5. Somehow Get back inside  

    that Genie bottle.

6. Figure out how to work

     this fucking blackberry!     


PRETENSION: 11, 2008 is their year!

IRONY: 15, None will see thru their goal

OCCUPATION: Professional procrastinators

Not even former child actors

are immune to the ravages of hipsteritus.   Poor Malcolm, I

mean Frankie, has recently had

a lot of time on his hands.  But don’t worry, his stylist has him decked out in tight pants, cheeky t-shirts and an adorable faux-hawk to hook that coveted 18-to-24-year-old hipster demographic.


PRETENSION: 9

IRONY: 8

OCCUPATION: Malcolm in the Middle residual checks

64. HIPSTER IN THE MIDDLE

Excerpt from: “Skeevy Whorepster”


Now I ain’t saying she’s a skeevy whorepster,

But she’ll gives it up to any hipster.

Now I ain’t saying she’s diseased herpster

But when you piss it burns, it burns, sir!

Go down on me, go ‘head go down

Go down on me, go ‘head go down
Go down on me, go ‘head go down
Go down on me, go ‘head go down


PRETENSION: 10, He’s a wannabe rap star!

IRONY: 9, He lives in Kanye’s shadow

OCCUPATION: Kanye west impersonator at bar mitzvahs

65. KANYE WEST-STER

While most of his of hipster pals sleep off their hangovers ‘til 3, Scooter foregoes sleep to jump over short buses and rock aerials in half-filled arenas.  Sure he’s only doing the LA clippers half-time show, but his mom always told him if he became a big enough BMX star, dad might come home.  Dream big, Scooter.  Dream big.


PRETENSION: 9, He’s a superstar among

hipster teens

IRONY: 7, Bastard children are no joke

OCCUPATION: Triple X-treme celebutant

66. TOTALLY X-TREME HIPSTER

67. HIPSTAFARIAN


If Harold and Kumar ever go to Jamaica, they should bring this guy along.  His hair might be too straight and shiny for real dread-locking, but he’ll show Jack Black a thing or two about scene-stealing in a tropical location.  The part where he smokes out “the guy in the hammock” is already an instant classic in my mind.


PRETENSION: 8, Somehow he gets away with it

IRONY: 7, He’ll smoke your irony for breakfast

OCCUPATION: Dry goods importer/exporter

If “Making Menudo” wasn’t so teen-centric, this guy would have a fighting chance to be in the ‘band’.  Maybe there’s a part for menudo’s older stepbrother cum manager.  We wish him the best, but C-list fame can be a bitch.  Before long he’d be spiking his horchata with patron and pining for the simpler days of judging the “Little Miss Echo Park” pageant. 


PRETENSION: 9.5, Practically thru the roof

IRONY: 5, Ain’t no stoppin’ him now

OCCUPATION: Croupier-in-training

68. MENUDSTER

Arrr!  Where be this swashbuckling hipster’s treasure map?  After one too many drunken pirate theme parties, Roy forgot where he buried his vintage 80’s neckties and the sword he bought at ye olde renaissance faire.  Help hipster Jack Sparrow find his booty or walk the ironic plank, ye harpie!


PRETENSION: 5, Since he lost his map

IRONY: 9, He was so cocky before

OCCUPATION: Pirate Adventure Dinner Theater thespian

69. HIPSTER OF THE CARIBBEAN

Step the fuck back, Justin Timberlake.  This hipster is the one bringing sexy back.  Just ask the fluffy bunnies this fur-lover clubbed to make his glorious coat.  No woman, man or rabbit can resist when he shows a little skin.  Those tight white pants are like a patch of virgin snow barely holding back an avalanche of ironic ecstasy.


PRETENSION: 10,000 Bunnies & counting

IRONY: 0, Fur is murder

OCCUPATION: 8 Minute abs model

70. CRUELLA DE VILLE-STER